you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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