It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
