The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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