I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
