Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
porn star boner night. come get it.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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