I hope mine doesn't look like that
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
