nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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