so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She bit a glass in half.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
