His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I stole a fireplace last night.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
