the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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