So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
