woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
