She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
