maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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