Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
