My underwear smells like fireworks.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
A bitchslap is in order.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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