i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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