Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
