Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
