I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
