she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
