Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Duck Duck Cougar?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize