just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize