Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Randomize
