maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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