Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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