Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
