What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
