I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize