I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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