nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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