he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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