I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
