im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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