I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Randomize
