i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
