I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
