did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
