Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
