I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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