I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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