Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
