I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
These tits shall not be calmed
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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