you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
