She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So squirting runs in the family.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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