just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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