fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
