Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
