i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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