that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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