i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
time to smoke my breakfast
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
