If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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