That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
