What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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