Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
