The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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