and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize