The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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