You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
