Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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