the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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